Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Soronius' LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 5th, 2002
1:42 pm	Work and Some Good News Ugh.. I'm off to another hellish week at work. On the bright side, though, "Targeting Rachael" in one day became my most popular piece on deviantART. "Rachael Widescreen" isn't doing too bad, either. I think I may stick to photography as my main submission material. Maybe one day I'll even get a DD. ;) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 29th, 2002
3:37 am	This will be my first journal entry at deviant art. I'll mirror this journal with my journal at livejournal.com from now on.. Well, things have been going great with Rachael and I. I've spent the night with her on more than one occasion and we can be around each other for a long time without grating on each others nerves. In fact, I enjoy every minute-- every second I'm with her. I told her I loved her a bit prematurely, but she finally said it back to me this morning. I felt my heart jump a bit when she said it and I can't tell you how relieved I was. We spent the other day taking photos and I took a really cool photo of her that I posted at http://soronius.deviantart.com/gallery/ . Its a picture of her with a multicolored light bulb in front of the lens. The light bulb was actually her idea, after seeing me try to make a shot interesting with a cool-looking lamp shade. We watched Donnie Darko tonight at Brandon's apartment (my second time, her first) and she loved it. I knew she would. I love the fact that she likes to watch movies all the time. Anyway, I'm going to head to bed. I hope I get some more comments on my stuff. I wonder what the best way is to go about getting that? Current Mood: loved (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 20th, 2002
6:08 am	Duh.. I'm such a dumbass. I don't need to take my dad to work. It's Saturday. Oh well, off to the set. *sigh* (Comment on this)
5:56 am	Spiraling Staircase Stare The first part of Friday wasn't so great... but by Saturday morning, I had elevated to a new plane of happiness. I woke up Friday morning, found out I had an interview at 2:00, and promptly called up PetData to get the time bumped back to 3:00. I had an eye appointment at 12:15, and I didn't want any chance of being late for my interview. I should have realized this was ME I was dealing with. I left the house for the eye appointment, and about halfway there, realized that I probably had barely any money in my checking account. So I drove over to the bank and checked. Yep... only 24 measly bucks. So I deposited my last two paychecks, plus two checks Jeff wrote to pay for miscellaneous things I bought for him at wal-mart (since he's still banned, hehe..) and got some money in there. I made it to the office at around 12:20, missing my appointment. They let two people go ahead of me, so I was starting to panic when I realized how long it was taking. Finally, I got my exam and learned that the eye doctor at Wal-Mart was ironically MUCH more thorough than my previous optomotrist. I also found out that my stigmatized left eye can't use Focus Monthly lenses anymore because they don't make them in the prescription I need. I always felt that I could see a lot better out of the right eye, and now I know why. Anyway, now I'm changing to Frequency 77's or something like that. No big deal, but they didn't carry that prescription in stock so I can't get a sample pair until about a week from now. Well, I finally got out of there (had to get my driver's license, which I had totally forgotten about, from the UPC office. I had forgotten to turn in the Telxon, stocking computer terminal thingamabob. The UPC lady scolded me like I was a child but I really didn't give a shit because I was in such a hurry) about 2:15 and rushed home. I changed into my suit, telling my mom I was going to an interview, which of course started a brief arguement I abruptly stopped, and left. Then I remembered that I needed transmission fluid. And although I might be a lazy bastard, I'm not stupid enough to try driving all the way out to Irving (a 40 minute drive from my house) with no transmission fluid. I got that taken care of, almost getting a big black oily smudge on my tie, and left for PetData. I arrived there at 3:45, 45 minutes late. Fortunately, Marilee Seay, the personnel manager seemed okay with it, and I filled out an application and sat down for the interview, which may or may not have gone well... I can't really tell. I'm concerned about how many hours I'll be working... as it stands its only 18 hours a week, which could be a lot of money if I type fast enough. But I'm going to see if I can work more. Anyway, I had a brief chat with Brandon, then went back home and chilled out there for a while. Oh, but before that, I pulled into my driveway and turned the car off. My driver's side door has been stuck shut for the past week because Cheryl backed into it on accident. So I slide over to the passenger seat to get out and notice in the corner of my eye that the trees in my neighbors' yard are slide perpendicularly to my left. Then I realized the car was rolling backwards into the street. I foolishly put my foot out the door, trying to stop the car. That obviously didn't work, so I slammed my left hand down on the brake and it slowly stopped to a halt in the middle of the street. Shaking like a crack addict, I shimmied back into the driver's seat, pulled the car up the driveway, got out, threw a nervous glance around my shoulder, and walked in. It was embarassing and horrifying at the same time and I never want to go through that again. Amanda and I had made plans to go see Eight Legged Freaks Friday, so I invited more people to come. Of course, when I called later on at 8:00, she told me the same old thing about how she didn't feel well, bla, bla, bla... I should've known. She wanted to watch something at her apartment with Aaron around, which I wouldn't feel quite comfortable with. He apparantely didn't feel quite comfortable with her going to a movie with me either. Anyway, Amanda and I hung up, her pissed off at me, but me, secretely delighted because I could now spend the evening with Rachael, a girl I met recently over email who said she could help me with my website. Her online pictures were incredibly cute and I couldn't wait to meet her, so I called her up and asked her if she wanted to hang out, and we ended up hanging out at her apartment until 4:00 am this morning. It was great. Her pictures don't speak lies; she's just as beautiful in person. We talked about a lot of things and even though I vowed I wouldn't ask her about religion, I ended up doing it anyway and found out she's agnostic!! I couldn't believe I actually found another agnostic! And we like the same kind of music, we both like video games, she plays guitar, she liked my movie, she cooks Italian... ...and oh yes.... she has dyed red hair. She also has a kind of self-admitted geekiness that turns me onto her even more. We have so much in common, its amazing. Maybe THIS is why my previous relationships have failed, assuming there is such a thing as fate. We went to IHOP and on the way to her rental car, I told her I drive a Ford and right after I said it we both said at the exact same time "I hate it, yet I drive it". It reminded me of the way Jeff always jokes when we both say something simultaneously. He says "...soulmates..." in a quivery, little, homosexual voice that cracks me up... only this time what if there really IS some connection between her and I? I don't want to sound corny or overly superstitious, but its a lot of weird coincidences. Don't expect to see me in church anytime soon, though. :P There must have been at least 6 or so times where we caught each other looking at one another and continued to look with a nervous smile or laugh. When I saw her do that, I didn't care about that job, or my driveway accident, or much of anything else. I was lost in her mischievious-looking smile. At one point she told me that I was "a lot cooler than [she] expected" and I told her that I liked her a lot, too. She showed me some of her artwork, her camera (I informed her that it was an SLR camera), and then I reluctantly told her I needed to leave. It almost seemed as if she was going to let me spend the night there, and I would have if she offered and I didn't need to take my dad to work. But rest assured, if she did offer, I'd be a perfect gentleman. As I walked out the door we hugged and I was totally ready to ask her out when my mind went blank and I just kind of babbled something incoherent. When she asked what I said, I asked if she was up for dating and she said yeah. So we hugged again and I sneaked in a peck on her cheek. I left happier than I've felt in months. I picked up some oil at Exxon on the way back because my oil pressure meter was reading below 0. On the way back, I accidently cut off some guy in a pick up truck and waved an apology. He proceeded to tail gate me with his brights on. It was a single lane transfer road onto 35W S so I couldn't let him around. When we got to a two lane section, I moved to the left lane. He stayed in the right but matched my speed so he was right next to me. I was starting to get literally scared that he was some road rage stricken hillbilly, but he finally cut in front of me and stuck out his hand the way I did, with a middle finger that may or may not have been there. If he didn't flip me off, it would be more insulting, which I think is what happened. I made it home in one piece and after looking over Rachael's pics again, I'm here typing this and waiting anxiously for tomorrow so I can see her again. I hope I'll be awake enough. I have to be on the set in an hour and I haven't had any sleep since I got up for my eye appointment yesterday. I wouldn't have traded last night for anything, though. Current Mood: anxious (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 14th, 2002
5:20 pm	FUCK God dammit. I just did this long ass survey that took over an hour and checked something on another page. IT ERASED THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH! What a waste of time. Piece of shit fucking IE goddammit. FUCK! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 29th, 2002
1:10 am	A Glimmer in an Overcast Sky All right, update time. My Curse of Opposite Thinking struck again. Sarah has been dating someone else this entire time. For the sake of redundancy, I won't go into details about it, and I won't talk about Sarah anymore unless something miraculous happens. Amanda had her child a few weeks ago. They had to do a caesarian. The baby had some things wrong with it, so it was in ICU for a while. I went to go visit her, and I've since given up my grudge against "mofo", whom I will now refer to by his real name, Aaron. I think he's happy about that, because it seemed like he was uncomfortable about it ever since I found out she got pregnant. We even went out and got some burgers together that day. He's just learning how to drive, so it was kinda scary. We finished shooting "Stationary Games", the first movie set I've ever worked on. It was about a 5 weekend shoot. We had a wrap party afterwards and I won some door prizes, including a nice Hard Rock Cafe watch, and a picture frame that they'll blow a 8x10 picture of my choice into. I chose a behind the scenes shot of me carrying a camera report. It was kinda sad saying goodbye to some of the people, because I felt like I probably wouldn't see a lot of them again. Especially Wayne, our 2nd Assistant Director, who is one of the nicest guys I've ever met. I actually went to hug him when we left, which is unusual for me, being a shy, awkward guy, who is every once in a while self-concious about the way he looks. I got to shoot a little bit of the film myself, (the opening credits shots), so I'll be credited as a camera op. A weekend or two after Stationary Games, which I got both Brandon and Scotty involved in, Brandon called me from the set of Zombie Campout, the 2nd set I was supposed to work on, but had to cancel because of conflicting schedules with Stationary Games. He was doing 1st Assistant Director, and got me a 2nd Assistant Director position. I had Scotty start taking me out there, since Scotty was one of the special fx assistants. It was a pretty fun shoot, but I did more grip work than 2nd AD work. Well, as long as I get the credit, I guess. I get the feeling that Josh (the director) didn't really want or need assistant directors, but by the last day, he seemed like he liked us. Even Brandon. :> Amanda told me Wednesday what I knew already. She's getting married to Aaron. I didn't try to convince her otherwise; it was just the last, cold, tragic, nail in my head, driving in the fact that that part of her is gone from me forever. She's actually getting married next week of all times. I guess she felt like time was running out and she had to tell me. I'd be happier just not ever knowing she got married. I should be depressed. But for some reason I'm not. I don't know if its because I haven't had much sleep or if I've finally moved on (I doubt that), but I'm happy. I'm content. I've got my friends, I've got Brier, who is a beacon of happiness for me, even if we could never seriously date each other, I'm starting to get recognition, I've got a growing "production company", I've got an interesting future ahead of me, with or without Amanda or any other "significant" other. I've got me, goddamn it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 21st, 2002
8:07 pm	Sarah Well, I never told you about Sarah. She's a beautiful, beautiful girl I met on a commercial shoot a month or so ago. There was an instant attraction between the two of us, so we hit it off really well, and started talking on the phone every night. She's got long, dark brown hair, pretty eyes, soft lips (I would know by now, believe me ;) ). But I don't know if you can tell.. there's a negative tone in this. I don't know if its something I did, or not, but she hasn't been answering her phone lately. She tells me I did nothing wrong, that she's just had a lot of guests over lately.. but she originally told me they were going to be there about 2 nights, and that was like, two Fridays ago. I feel like she's avoiding me. My Curse of Opposite Thinking strikes again. I thought things were going great, but it *seems* like they aren't. I might be wrong, but with my luck, I doubt it. I probably smothered the poor girl by calling her every night. I guess she may have found it annoying or scary, rather than flattering. Ahh, fuck me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 3rd, 2002
12:36 am	Sarah I don't have a lot of time right now, but I just wanted to say that I've met a wonderful girl who I am ecstatic about. Her name is Sarah. More later. :) (Comment on this)
Monday, March 25th, 2002
5:29 am	All right, so its been almost a complete month since I made an entry. Sue me. Here's some updates: - I dropped my Texas Govt. class - Amanda and "Mofo" are still together - Bought a microcassette recorder, but have failed to record anything useful on it - Brier and I have locked lips several times, but her parents don't want us to go out. I'm not really sure if that's what I want from her anyway. Don't get me wrong, I don't just want sex or whatever, but I don't know about a serious relationship with her. - Brandon and Breonny have married (I was the best man) - I never talked to Shanelle again, and totally forgot about her until I read my journal tonight - Got my bonus and W2 cash, which I have to partially spend on getting my car repaired (AGAIN!). I told my dad that I might give college a break for a little while and buy some professional equipment, editing software, etc. so I can actually start making real movies - Started a new script as promised, but I'm stuck at page 19. It focuses on several different people in a Magnolia-ish way, and shows how everything everyone does affects someone else in some way. I have a feeling I may actually be able to get this one to 120 pages. Cross your fingers. - I'm still thinking about Zoe almost everyday. : ( I don't know why I'm so hung up on her. - Glutton Bowl has been cancelled... I think we all saw that coming. - Blue and I had a small chat yesterday and we both still want to hang out with each other, despite our religious differences. - I've made the decision to sell one of my scripts when its ready. I've been getting info on getting an agent, submitting to producers, and the like... I just need to finish one of these scripts first. : / - Met a guy who has the same musical interests as me and has been playing guitar since he was a little kid. We may jam together sometime. - Used Adobe Premier in class the other day and I looooooooooooove it. Its so easy to edit on it, and the stuff I edit comes out looking great! I can't wait to get it on my computer. Anyway, I stayed up all night at Brandon's apartment and I've got to take Dad to work so I'm gonna end this. I'll try to write again soon. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
4:26 am	Yeah... uh... things will never ever work out between Blue and I. We just had a big argument about evolution and christianity in general and we pissed each other off. She got so mad she said the way I believe is "pathetic" and she signed off without saying anything else. I sent her some mail telling her she was being arrogant, but its not really going to make a difference. I was just mad. I sent her an apology about 5 minutes later, but at this point I don't really care if she responds or not. We'll never get along. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 21st, 2002
7:33 pm	I'm watching a show called Glutton Bowl and its pretty damn disgusting. ...just my kind of show. They're eating whole cow tongues right now. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 18th, 2002
1:20 am	Another day wasted at Wal-Mart. Amanda gave me a call this morning and told me she would call me while I was at work later, but she never did. She was at "Mofo's" apartment and he starts questioning her when she's calling someone because he thinks it might be me. So that's probably why she never called me back, I don't know. I had a talk with Blue last night and we got into the religion subject again, and kind of pissed each other off slightly, but we're still friends. She refuses to accept that the Bible could have ever been altered and she "knows" God controls everything we do. The upside is that she doesn't believe going to church or following all the rules in the Bible are neccessary. I guess I can live with that. Of course it always hangs in my mind, and I wish she was as liberal as I am about it, but whatever. We started playing the question game last night, asking personal questions about each other, and I also found out that she will not have sex until marraige, which is okay with me, but then she said that her boyfriend can't go below the neckline, which is a pretty big turnoff. She also said that she doesn't think that her boyfriend should ever think of her sexually until marraige. I told her that would be a miracle in itself. I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to put aside the fact that she's insanely gorgeous and looks pretty much the way I want my girlfriend to look and face the fact that she's not the right person for me. I fucking hate religion, you know that? Sex is not an essential thing for me, but if we can't ever fool around at all until I buy a diamond ring, I think that's going overboard. Oh well. I started coming up with this cool song in the car tonight after work, but I forgot it already. I'm going to buy a microcassette recorder and keep it in the car so I can tape myself and have a recording of the way it sounds. Because I'm really pissed that I forgot it. It was awesome. Briar, my friend Brandon's fiancee's sister (take a minute to figure that out) sent me some email last night and tonight. She's a cutie, but Brandon and Breanne (Brandon's fiancee) don't want me to go out with her. Not that I'm going to anyway. I can just talk to her. She laughs at most of my jokes and she thinks i'm cute, so she's groovy with me. Perhaps I'll try to get a hold of this Shanelle girl. I think tomorrow I'll go ahead and drop my Texas Govt. class whether I tell my parents or not. I know I can't pass with this professor. I was going to try interning at a summer camp this summer as a videographer, but I never got enough footage for a demo reel and I think its probably too late by now. Maybe I should wait a year anyway. I've got a lot of deadlines. There's my movie to shoot, I'm helping Brandon with his, I'm acting in Jeff's, I've got to print up the revision of my playscript for the theater class that's going to act it out... and probably more stuff that I can't really think of right now. I also need to get a DV camera sometime soon and more RAM for my computer, and a firewire card.... ugh. I wish I had a bunch of money right now... at least my bonus and my W2 money is coming in pretty soon. I also need money for UNT if I decide I'm going there next semester. I got the self-titled Blur album the other day and its great! One of the songs has inspired me to write a new script which I'll start whenever I get some time and get in the right mood. It may just be the lighter-hearted script I've been wanting to write for a while now. Everything I write is always dark and tragic, and I'd really like to write something uplifting... but I have a feeling by the end, it'll end up tragic, like all the rest. : / Hey, if I had any say in the way I write, I'd probably change it a little. :> (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 16th, 2002
2:19 am	Alright. Let's see if I can bring this up to date. Shortly after my last entry I called Amanda and told her how I felt, and I ended up breaking down and crying on the phone. I told her how I still felt like I was in love with her and I was reconsidering the whole deal about wanting to get back together with her, and even though she seemed sympathetic, she also seemed like even she had realized it was over between us. And in hindsight, that's probably the best thing, even if there's times when I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking about all the times she made me feel happier than I had ever been. I have this pessimistic idea that I'll never find anyone else that will love me. I mean, I really thought I had something with Zoe, but she ended up getting a boyfriend in that short amount of time we had been talking. Or at least that's what she told me. I haven't talked to her since then, but I did try calling once the other day. Jade ended up moving to Wichita Falls with her family, and her mom said we couldn't date anyway. Again, probably for the best. I went to Cassie's house that day we were supposed to go to the movie, and sure enough, she slept in. I ended up hanging out at her house and we watched "The Score" underneath the same covers on a small couch. I didn't make any moves, though, because I can't tell if she's interested in me or not, and besides, her younger brother was in the room, and later on her friend came over. So the only "scoring" going on was on the television. And I don't know about Cassie. She says she isn't, but she's a racist. She really, really downtalks blacks, and frequently calls them niggers. And she says negative things about them, generalizing them all as if one black person was bad, then they all are. I don't think I could ever have a relationship with a person like that. She was making me uncomfortable on the phone just by continously saying "nigger". Maybe I could change her, but it would take a lot of effort, and I don't know if its worth it. Her number has also been disconnected, so the only way for me to get a hold of her is to go by her house. Bridget is going to be out of town for a few more weeks, and she's really teasing the hell out of me whenever she visits me at Wal-Mart. Last time she visited, we walked around, her holding my hands around her waist and grinding her backside against my crotch several times, which I *don't* think were unintentional. Then when she got Melody to go to another aisle, she put my hands on her breasts. I thought my balls were going to fall off. But! Again, I have to control myself and not let my lust make my decisions, because she's serious jailbait! Doing what I was doing in the paragraph above could land me jailtime. And then there was Blue. Blue is a girl I met at Wal-Mart (always at Wal-Mart). I passed her and her sister in the lobby, walked all the way to Electronics on the other side of the store, then walked all the way back, forcing myself to go talk to her. She had died blue hair up in little pigtails, wearing all black. She was definintely my type. I have a thing for punky looking girls, in case you haven't figured it out yet. I asked her about being in the movie, bla bla bla, you know the routine by now... its the only way I can get up any nerve to talk to a girl... and she ended up sending me an email about a week later. We talked on AIM a day afterwards and then after that didn't talk until last Thursday night when Jeff was over. We both thought we scared the other person away, and agreed to hang out the next day. Jeff has decided to write a short which he's going to direct as well. We asked her if she wanted to be a part of it, and she agreed, so she'll be playing my girlfriend in the movie. So that next night, we picked her up in Jeff's car, and Jeff, Cheryl, Blue, and I all went to the parking garage at Northeast Mall to film a daydream sequence Jeff wants to do. There's a lot of birds that land on the top of the garage at a certain time during the day, so he wanted to film me standing by all the birds and having them fly away. When we got there, though, some ass was trying to run over the birds. Jeff started yelling at the car and they drove away. We did what we could, and there was a scene where Blue was supposed to walk up next to me and put her arm around me. When she did, I got really uncomfortable, but I'll explain that in a minute. Anyway, mall security showed up and made us leave until we got written consent to tape from mall management. We did some more shots at Mountasia and then Blue was tired so we took her home. She had been up all night and all day, so I don't blame her. Anyway, when we first picked Blue up, I was startled at just how beautiful she was. Her blue hair had turned into an aqua green color that looked really cool, and she had on some Weezer-ish Buddy Holly glasses that went perfect with her black outfit. She looked so gorgeous, much more attractive than I had remembered. She also had a lip ring, a nose stud, lots of earrings, and she showed me her four belly button piercings in the car. Normally facial piercings on girls would not be all that attractive to me, but I didn't care. They actually looked good on her. I wondered what it would be like to kiss her with that lip ring in the way. :> Her beauty intimidated me, and thats why I felt awkward when she put her arm around me. When we took her back, I walked her to her door and was going to give her a hug, but she kind of just rushed inside, so I didn't get a chance. I took that as a bad sign, me being my usual pessimistic self, and felt a little depressed about that until tonight. I asked her if she would come visit me at work tonight and she said she would, but she never did. I checked my email tonight and she let me know that her mom made her stay home until she finished her schoolwork (she's homeschooled) so it was too late for her to come see me. She also said her mom is apprehensive about her going out to see guys. And even though that could be a good excuse to stand me up, I really believe her. I think she honestly wanted to come see me. I sent her an email back telling her that the two emails she sent me more than made up for not showing up and that they cheered me up anyway. I also asked if she wanted to do lunch tomorrow. Hopefully, she'll want to. I can't wait to see her again, this time without anyone else around. I really, really, hope she'll want to be more than friends. I got up early and skipped my Texas Government class again, because I'm going to drop it. I went to Gamestop first to see if they had a game I wanted, and it hadn't come in yet, so to waste time, I drove to Brandons. He wasn't there, so I drove to Jeff's and woke him up. We got his Fart Smelling Spray and his Remote Control Fart Machine and went to a couple stores, hosing down the place with the Fart Spray. And we may have pulled our worst prank yet... We went into a Christian bookstore and did a complete "U" through the entire store, just spraying like every 5 steps. The place smelled AWFUL! We quickly walked out and went over to a nearby cd store and bought a couple cds. Walking back to Jeff's car, a customer that was inside the bookstore stopped us and asked if we were going to go to the bookstore. I told him no and asked why he asked. He told me they shut down the store because they thought there was a gas leak or something! I casually said "Oh really? That's weird" then turned my head and had to hold in a mixture of surprised laughter and shock. I couldn't believe we shut down the entire store. Later on we went to Bennigan's with Cheryl and we had a cute waitress that Jeff kept badgering me about. He wanted me to flirt with her and I had no confidence, still being a bit depressed from the night before and not having read Blue's emails yet. Anyway, I finally wrote down on the back of one of my cards "To: Shanelle. If you're interested in being in a student film, call me or send an email. (Info on back) -Justin R. Schulke". Right after we got up and started walking out, she went to the table and read it. Then Jeff told me she started walking towards us, and I don't really know why, but I just kept on walking. He said I was going to regret it when I go to sleep tonight. Maybe. But then again, maybe things will go well with Blue and I can always go back to Bennigan's sometime. And if Shanelle is interested at all she'll call or send an email. Well, I'm going to bed. I'll let you know if regret sneaks under the covers. -Justin Current Mood: mellow (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
12:50 am	Breaking up with Amanda was the worst mistake I ever made. -Justin (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
2:59 pm	Sorry I haven't written recently. I haven't been in the mood. I wrote an email to Zoe just a few minutes ago, and I'm going to paste that in here. It somewhat explains whats happened in the past few days. Whatever I'm willing to write about right now, anyway. So, here it is: --------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, its me, Justin. I haven't been able to talk to you on the phone for 2 days now and its been even longer since I've seen you, but I need to ask you some stuff. Its driving me crazy not knowing the answers to these questions, even depressing me, so until I can get a hold of you on the phone, I'll hope that you answer this email. First off, I don't want to say I'm obsessing about you, but its somewhere close. I thought you were very pretty the first time I saw you, and the next two times I felt the same. The fourth time I saw you, the night I walked you to your car, something clicked. I know it sounds nuts, but in that short moment that we looked at each other, I thought I could possibly be in love with you. I know, I know... we've only known each other for what... maybe 2 weeks? But I can't lie and say I didn't feel something more than mere infatuation. I wanted to kiss you. I regret not doing it. And I thought you felt the same way... So I figured that when a free day came around you would jump at the chance to hang out with me again, because as you could probably tell, I felt that way. Then the day you said you loved me, I must have taken it the wrong way, and I feel like an idiot about that. Even though you told me you say that to everyone, it still felt special coming from you. As I think about it now, it seems like you probably didn't mean you were "in love" with me. And what really sunk that in was the other day when you told me you didn't know if you were going to be able to hang out because you didn't know what you needed to do that day. I had talked to you around 11:30 am and called you back at around 6:00 pm, 6 1/2 hours later. You told me you still didn't know. Which is possible, but I thought, and still think, you were avoiding me. If you really weren't, I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is offend you. It just seemed that way. Anyway, I have a couple questions that will hopefully sort this all out, and if I talk to you on the phone or in person before you read this, I'll ask you there. Just please answer them honestly because I need to sort this all out. 1. Have I done anything to offend you or make you want to avoid me? 2. Am I obsessing, and if I am, is it annoying or flattering? 3. Do I call you too often? 4. Am I worrying over nothing? 5. Are you in love or infatuated with me at all, or were? Maybe I seem pathetic for asking this stuff. Remember, I told you I was a natural pessimist. All I know is the "moment" we had by your car, I wanted it to last forever. I've never had that feeling with anyone before. Not even my ex-girlfriend. There's so many things I love about you already. I loved it when you showed up for work and immediately turned my horrible day into a good one. I love the punky-cute look you have. I love the fact that we like the same kind of music. I love that you're just the right height so when I hug you, your head rests on my chest. And the way your hair crinkles underneath my chin when we do. I love your eyes, even if you don't. I love your personality, which is cute without being perky. I know you won't take shit from anyone. :) I love the clothes you wear, and how you wear two belts, and the little punk bracelets, and your earrings. I love that you wanted me to try something new (even if I didn't like it that much). You were the first and only person to succesfully get me to eat Chinese. I loved it when you woke me up in morning and your voice was the first thing I heard. I love almost everything about you, but most of all I think I love you. I hope this makes things better and not worse. But if it does make things worse, I hope it brings some kind of closure. I rolled around in bed, literally, the night of New Year's Day and the morning after, not being able to sleep, thinking about this. After searching and searching, I feel like I've finally found someone near perfect for me, maybe meant for me. And now I'm at this closing point in the message where I'm afraid to hit the "send" button because I'm afraid of what you'll think or how you'll react. If you think I'm crazy, pathetic, desperate, whatever, I'll understand. But I'm not. Use that almost supernatural intuition you've got and let me know what it tells you. If its working out for you, you probably saw this coming anyway. -Justin ---------------------------------- Current Mood: Pessimistic (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 31st, 2001
12:55 am	The story unfolds further... Even more has happened today since my lunchbreak (even if it really is tomorrow).... Let me start off with what I was going to finish talking about earlier. The guy who impregnated Amanda... let's call him Mofo so I don't have to keep saying "the guy who..." anyway, he saw me with Zoe the other night and told Amanda. So she calls me today and asks me who the blonde girl is. And she's acting kinda hostile even though I told her I was looking for a girlfriend. She thought that since I was resting my head on her shoulder that I was thinking about getting back together with her. And don't get me wrong-- like I said before, I'll always love Amanda. But I told her today that it was over between me and her and that we're just close friends now. And I was busy as hell at the register, so I told her we'd talk about it on my lunchbreak, but then I forgot to call her. I feel pretty crappy about that. Anyways, now for the rest of today's dramatic events. Bridget called me around 10:15 pm telling me that she's quit the ministry, the guy who she was interested in for a long, long time broke her heart, and she's interested in me. I applauded her for quitting the ministry, even if she's still pretty Christian... she's at least not hardcore anymore. But I'm going to have to break her heart, and I REALLY really don't want to, because she's very sweet. I've pretty much made my mind up on Zoe, and I still don't think it would work out between me and Bridget. But I feel like I was leading her on the other day when we walked around wal-mart and pretended we were a couple (Bridget and I). Bah... everything is stacking up on me now... I'm not sure if this was the best policy after all. And I've still got Jade and Cassie to figure out. With Cassie, I've pretty much given up, because its so hard to get in touch with her and for some reason I have a hard time finding things to say to her. Its not her so much, because she talks a lot... which I don't see as a bad thing, but for some reason, I just can't talk back. I feel intimidated for some weird reason. With Jade, that's a hard one, because the only thing against her is her age, and that's not really a big deal with me. But since Zoe and I have seemed to click so well in only a short time, I'm going to just become friends with Jade. But again, I feel like I've been leading her on as well, since I was at one point trying to date her. I've talked to Kim and she agrees with me that I should stick with Zoe, and she also thinks that Jade would be a good candidate (but she's opposed to her being so young). I need some extra strength Preperation H because this is all coming back to bite me in the ass. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 30th, 2001
8:02 pm	Lunchbreak Quatre Ahhh, things are so good now. Besides the fact that I gotta be back at work in a few minutes... actually supposed to be back now. Remember the blonde girl with the punky spikes I wrote about in a past entry? Well she actually called me the other day! At first I thought it was Jade, but it turned out to be her. Her name is Jamie, but she wants to be called Zoe, so I'll refer to her as Zoe from now on. We talked for a few hours and ate that day at 2:00.. I believe it was Friday. She made me try Chinese food, orange chicken in particular, and I wanted to gag. It was awful. But it was still cool to be with her. I put my arm around her at one point and she seemed a little apprehensive when I asked her about it, but I later found out she didn't mind at all. Anyway, she came up and visited me last night at Wal-mart (Saturday) and she waited for me to get off.. We walked back to the timeclock with my arm around her and her arm around my back. Some guy from receiving saw us and was like "Damn?! Is that your girlfriend? She's hot!" ... It was great :) Jimmie, a CSM (front end manager) also asked me if she was my girlfriend, but that's just cause Jimmie's always looking out for me when it comes to girls ;) But I walked her back to her car. She had a curfew so we couldn't hang out, but after we hugged we just kind of looked at each other and I had a moment like I've never really had before. Not with Celene or Amanda. Celene was very outright in kissing me... she just did it. With Amanda, we had to play a bunch of games. But with Zoe, I could have kissed her. I didn't, because I was afraid she wasn't interested in me like that, but she was! ...Well, I'm going to wait for another moment like that so our first kiss is special. She told me she loved me over the phone last night also. So, in just a few quick days, my mind has been made up. I think I know who's right for me. Zoe and I had this instant connection with each other and I can't wait to see her again. There's more to this story, but I better get back to work for now. I'll write more later. (Comment on this)
Monday, December 24th, 2001
12:03 am	Well, I finally told Amanda I was looking for another girlfriend. She seemed upset about it, but she didn't start crying badly like I thought she would. That made me feel a little bit better. Talking with her on the phone helped remind me that we never talk about anything unless we're arguing about something. I seemed to upset her after only 5 minutes on the phone (that was before I told her I was looking for another girlfriend). And here's an interesting tidbit. When Amanda got her job back at Wal-Mart after we started going out, she shared a locker with a girl. One day Amanda found some roach clips in the locker. And guess who they belonged to? Cassie. Now that's a strange coincidence. Anyway, before she told me that, I asked her if she knew Cassie and she acted kind of snide about it, but she told me she did. That's when she reminded me that Cassie was the one she shared a locker with. Speaking of Cassie, we're supposed to see Lord of the Rings tomorrow (today might BE tomorrow by the time I finish writing this, so for all purposes, we'll say Monday). I have a really bad feeling that I won't be able to get a hold of her. I think she's going to forget and go out, or she'll sleep in, or something will happen with her family and she'll have to leave the house. Something. I don't know if we're ever going to get to hang out. The bad part is that I'm pretty sure she's interested in me, but if we can't ever hang out, whats the point of trying anymore? I already went through an over-the-phone relationship with Celene, but having one with a girl who lives 15 minutes away seems a little ridiculous. I was supposed to call Jade today, but Amanda called me while I was at work and asked me to call her on my lunchbreak, which I did. I never had a chance to call Jade during any of my breaks today because management was in the UPC office where I usually make my phone calls. Well, whenever Bridget (my sister) gets off the phone, I can check and see if she's online. I'd rather talk to her on the phone, though. I'll ask her tonight if we can talk that way. In other related news, I gave my card to another possible actress. She looks very similar to a cute punky spiked blonde haired girl on The Real World... on one of the Real Worlds. I can't remember which one. Didn't seem too interested, but you never know. I'm making it my new policy to meet as many girls as I can, so I can find out who's right for me. No more Mr. Lonely. That is, unless I find someone, and at that point, I can stop hitting on other girls. :) Really, I can. Anytime. Cheryl sent me an email the other day regarding the fact that I've been talking to so many girls lately saying that I remind her of that Weezer song "Tired of Sex" where some of the lyrics read: "Monday night I'm doing jen, tuesday night I'm doing Gwen", but I'm not doing anybody :P If only I had that kind of charm, I would be a much happier person, don't you think? Although, I guess it can relate in the fact that in the song, the author is tired of "having sex" instead of "making love", and since I'm really looking for a relationship, and not a casual thing... I guess its kind of similar. As for work today, god it sucked. All alone again to face the Christmas horde. But I don't have to work for 4 more days, so I'm happy. I was in a pretty good mood driving home because of that, I was singing along to the Beatles (I do my best singing when I'm happy), and I have a good feeling I'll be talking to Jade when I sign on in a few minutes. But the customer's voices are ringing in my head, and I know I'll have some kind of dream related to it tonight. I've been bombarded with questions. And the fucking lady from the service desk keeps bursting through the speaker on my phone while its ringing. Its so fucking annoying. I wish I knew how to do it so I could do that to her whenever she doesn't answer her god damn phone. And you'd think by me answering in an extremely pissed tone she would get the point, but no, she went ahead and did it 4 times today. I seem to do a lot of writing at night. I should put some of this effort into my scripts instead of this journal.. Anyway, its time for me to kick Bridget off the phone, so I'll write back later. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
4:18 am	A "Jade"d Morning Well, its 4:00 in the morning and I've been talking to Jade for the past few hours on AIM. She's very, very interesting, and I really like her so far. She's pretty damn cool, and we have a lot of common interests. Oh, and she's extremely cute, to boot. Hopefully, we'll be able to hang out sometime on the week after next. She hasn't seen Fight Club or Austin Powers, so we might watch one of those. Or do something else. I don't know. Whatever she wants to do is cool with me. She only lives 9 minutes away, which is a big plus, and she seems interested in me, although I may be mistaking interest for friendlyness. That happens with me sometimes. Well, you know that. I don't want to rush anything or screw anything up with her like I did with Lindsay. Right now, my two main interests are Cassie and Jade. Cassie Pros: Cute, closer to my age, common interests, open sexuality, seems interested in me. Cons: May still smoke pot (not really sure), has lots of family problems, used to do lots of different kinds of drugs Jade Pros: Very Cute, common interests, drug free, seems interested in me Cons: A little young, has a few family problems I like Bridget a lot, but like I said, I could never really date her seriously because of how religious she is. I just found out the other day that she's a minister. She's cooler than I would think a minister would be, though. Anyway, I'm going to get going to bed. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
12:53 am	Great Night What a great night! Well, work sucked... and the bill for my car was pretty crappy (I had to get it fixed), but other than that... it was great. :) First off, I gave Cassie a call Saturday and she still wants to go to Lord of the Rings on Christmas Eve with me. Very cool. Then a little bit later, Bridget gave me a surprise visit with one of her friends. I think his name was Steven. Anyway. When I finally got a break, we walked around Wal-Mart and she was holding my arm, and letting me put my arm around her, and at one point even holding my hand. It was great. :) I was instantly in a better mood. She was even making her guy friend carry all her stuff so she could hold my arm/hand/back. I really needed it, too, because it was a really rough night. I was alone in electronics for a pretty long time and with it being only a few short days until Christmas, it was crazy. But even though all these people were asking me questions left and right and it was almost too much to handle, I never got pissed off after Bridget. If only she wasn't so religious, we'd be perfect for each other. She's exactly what I need. She's a little bubbly and stuff, but she isn't stupid. And believe it or not, I like those kinds of girls, because she just makes me feel so much better about myself. Only Kim and Bridget can possibly do that. And speaking of Kim, as I was walking around with Bridget, Kim, her sister, and her neice showed up (we had already planned for them to show up, but what weird timing). So the night got even better. And here's the best part... Bridget was actually getting jealous! It was so cool. I've never had a girl get jealous over me before! I explained to Bridget that they were just friends of mine and she believed me, so it was all good with her again. I told Kim to hang around in the store for a while and I'd page them whenever Bridget left, since Bridget was only going to be there for, like, 10 more minutes. I felt kind of bad about that because they had driven all the way to Wal-Mart just to see me, but Kim understood. After work we hung out and went to Jack in the Box, but Jack in the Box was closed. I took Kim in my pimpmobile (HAH!) and we high-tailed it (putted along) to Whataburger. Kim told me her boyfriend Jason, who is enemies with Jeff because of an old incident, was angry because Kim told him she was attracted to me. That felt pretty good, too. :) I even gave Jenn (her sister) two hugs. She's not so bad really. I don't know why I wrote that stuff the other night. She doesn't really get on my nerves. When we were at Whataburger I burned the side of my mouth with scalding hot apple filling and dropped it on my crotch. And then when Kim was in the bathroom her zipper busted open and she couldn't close it. She had to drape her overshirt over it until we left. I asked if I could look, but she said no. Hehe. Kevin, my old manager from back in the days when Jeff was a co-worker of mine, pointed at my Smashing Pumpkins shirt and informed me that Billy Corgan is "a real jerk" and he's "got a bad attitude". I almost flipped his Korn/Staind/Fuel lovin' ass off. Instead I held up my index finger and told him it would be a different one if we were in the back. I made it sound like a joke. I don't know. Kevin's not so bad really. I'm just glad he's not my manager anymore. God damn. Like, every day he'd bitch me out about something. He'd always walk by at the wrong time. Like the time I was looking at the back of a Primus cd for a 1/4 of a second. "Hey Justin, I need to show you something in the back. Come on," he'd say. And then the bitch-out session would commence. Or the time I was doodling on the electronic organizer. "Hey Justin, there's something I need to talk to you about in the back." Or the time I forgot to give the keys to someone. "Heeeey, Justin. Let's take a trip to the back real quick." Anyway. I could never hang out with him or anything, because we have very different tastes about everything, but he's still a nice guy. Just don't ever let him be your manager. Ugh. I watched the movie "Better Off Dead" with my mom the other day. Jeff let me borrow it. It was pretty good. I wish the teen movies of today were as funny as the teen movies of the 80's. Instead we get crap like "On the Line" and "Bring it On" and even such classics as "Save the Last Dance". Someone make me puke. How bout that Freddy Prinze Jr. and his Academy Award worthy roles as the shy, nice guy, or maybe the shy, nice guy, or the... shy, nice guy. Really, I think he could probably land some better roles, but he's already typecast himself into the crap category. If I was an actor, I'd realize you have to start at the bottom of the barrel.. but just because the bottom of the barrel guarantees easy success, I'd know that I wouldn't want to stay there. If all I cared about was money, then it would be fine. But me, I want to be remembered as an artist... someone who has mastered his craft or at least become respected in it. Does anyone respect Prinze Jr.? This question would normally be followed by the sound of crickets and the occasional gust of wind. People dog Leonardo DiCaprio all the time, but at least he tries to get good roles. Most of the movies he's in are either average or pretty damn good, and I've never seen one he's been in that's a total crapfest. Even The Beach wasn't all that bad. I'd definitely rank it higher than Julia Stiles latest effort. I mean, look at all the good movies he was in: Romeo and Juliet, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Basketball Diaries, Marvin's Room, Titanic, This Boy's Life, even Man in the Iron Mask was better than these crappy teen movies. And his next movie is a Scorsese flick, so he's got my respect. Anyway, I'll write later. Current Mood: awesome (Comment on this)